We're on the road to nowhere....

Present circumfrence of my right leg nine inches from the floor: 12 inches
Present circumfrence of my left leg nine inches from the floor: 13.5 inches.





The story: Sometime recently my mother got something out of our small storage building in our back yard and didn't lock it correctly. She doesn't often go into the storage building, and there's a trick to locking it, so of course she fucked it up. So, yeah, we were locked out. I wasn't too worried about it. The weather had changed and the grass wasn't growing so I wasn't going to need to lawn mower until next year so... no worries. At least, until next year. But oh no, Mom didn't think it was her fault that the building's lock had malfunctioned. She  was positive that someone was trying to break nto the building. Mom has become increasingly paranoid since Dad died, and to her any change is a sign that someone is out to get her. So, since the lock on the little building wasn't working correctly, this was certainly the work of a burglar.

But... none of that matters. What matters is that Mom had gotten so worried about the lock on this building that it just HAD to be taken care of. Like, today. Right now. So, together we investigated it. And ... My mother... she has a way of getting me to do things that I ordinarily would not do. That way is, she starts to do them first. See, after thoroughly examining this lock and determining that we could do jack shit about it, she decided to break in to the small window on the side of the building and crawl in. My mom is almost 70 years old. This is not the work for a 70 year old woman. So I told her to get the hell outta the way. If she was so determined to do this, I would do it for her. So I opened the window (no problem -- I have cracked several windows like this in the past and this one was no problem.

And, y'know, getting in is usually no problem too. In this case I could have used a wheelbarrow to boost myself up to the window and that would have been just as easy as pie... I would have been in and opened the building from the inside and done, like that. But my mother thought it was unsafe. And she might have been right. So, instead of the wheelbarrow, I used a cinderblock that was barely as thick as my foot to give me a boost. And, y'know.... when I started to lift my right foot into the window, my left foot slipped off of that tiny cinderblock and my shin banged against the underside of the building with my entire body's weight behind it. Wonderful. At the same time I cut both hands on the windowfacing, so now I've got about a two-inch long gash on the palm of my left hand and a much smaller cut on the side of my right hand, in addition to the baseball-sized knot on my leg. The gash on the left hand was a bleeder. I'm proud of that one. Didn't hurt much, but it bled. I notice I get these awesome knots on my legs when I am hit in the shins with anything blunt and hard... like a dog's head, when it is running at top speed. Or a car door. Or... this. And they always hurt for days if not weeks. Let's keep track of it, shall we? I'm curious to see how long it lasts, and to see if this is normal for someone who's got a surgical implant. In the meantime, I can't put any weight on my left leg. I'm hobbling around like a peglegged pirate. This hurts. I'm thankful I had pain drugs left over from those recent dentist visits. They are being put to good use. This is making me forget all about the headache I had.

Second attempt at the breakin, I got in and opened the door. Now everyone's all smiles!!!!!!!1111!

I think I might have anger issues.