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Nov. 6th, 2003 05:43 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cobraclutchI woke up at 11:00 tonight after sleeping five hours. It's 4:45 in the morning now. I don't think Ill go back to bed. I'll just work through it. By the end of the day I'll be a zombie, but that's okay. I think that's pretty much what I've been for the last several years anyway. No great change.
Today... yesterday... whatever it was... I was in a pretty good mood on the way to work. That was ruined when I arrived. Gonna skip specifics, because they don't really matter. Long and short of it, I walked into the office and heard the sister's boyfriend yelling. He was very angry. This is not uncommon. Except he was talking shit about me. I walked in so he could see me. He shut up. All talk stopped. He continued doing his business. No one said a word. I helped him with what he was doing -- not because I wanted to help him succeed, not because I like the bastard, but because I know he's such a moron that if he doesn't do get it right I'll have to go back and clean up his mess. If he's going to work in that office with me, I want him to get it right the first time so I don't have to clean up his shit. So I helped him this morning. And he left and he ran the call. And he got it wrong. He screwed up bigtime. He called me for support. I helped him, over the phone, for at least an hour. He wasn't easy to deal with, but I am a patient person. He is not. I heard him yelling at our customers. I would have fired him on the spot, but I can't do that. He's my sister's boyfriend. That could cause more problems than I can count. Eventually, all was well. He hung up the phone. No thank yous.
I don't mind that he dislikes me. I think it's about time he got the picture. I was tired of being invited on fishing and hunting trips. So it's cool that he doesn't like me. I can deal with that. It's like I said. I'm patient. I have learned to live with him. Living with him in my life is just one more sacrifice to be made.
What is NOT cool... is the overwhelming feeling I'm getting that he is replacing me. I've mentioned, several times in the past, that we've had a giant order coming from a fast food chicken restaurant. Well, we finally got it. 100-something stores. 400-someodd terminals. Big money. I went to school recently in anticipation of this big event. Guess what. I miss one day of work, Monday, the deal is made, sealed, and planned out.... and I'm nowhere in it. Joey's gonna do all the programming and installing with Karen. Gonna leave me at the office with my dick in my hand.
I own 50% of this business. I feel like I own nothing. I get paid shit -- I'm not sure if I've gotten a raise since I started working there. I'm underappreciated. Today, the old guy practically told me to my face that my time wasn't as valuable as my sister's. Didn't say so in so many words, but it was implied. Do I feel just a tad inferior to her, as far as this business goes? Oh yeah, I do. But I know it'd go straight into the shitcan without me, because she has no clue how to spend her money and she can't fix a god damn thing.
It's thoughts like that, alongside the regret of allowing this business to take such an important role in my life that I have forgotten what I actually want to do with my life, that make me wanna quit. I honestly have no idea what I want to do with my life anymore. There was a time, before I took this job, that I had a whole list of ideas that sounded good. Things that suited me. Now, I'm drained. I want to get away from this and go somewhere and get some goals. Get some fuckin dreams. Get a direction. Find my own way. And maybe send a huge FUCK YOU to my sister and her jackass boyfriend (and my dad for getting me into this in the first place) while I'm doing it.
I think I'm going to think on this for a week or so. I depend on that job for a lot. If I were to quit, I'd be giving up a lot of the stuff I need to live. On the other hand, if I got a better job, it might be replaced. Dependance. Jesus. I'm too dependent on other things, other people. Don't rely on myself enough. This disappoints me. Enough of this whining, let's whine about something else for a second.
My air conditioner is broken. I think the compressor has died. The thing works -- it moves air -- it just doesn't cool it. The heater works. But the air conditioner doesn't work at all. It's been threatening to do this for a while. This might not be a problem, since winter's coming up, but it's been unseasonably warm recently, which has left my room unbearably hot. It's hard to stay in this room, but it's even harder to leave it, because the parents are annoying. My dad's only advice in the matter? It's the same advice he gives me in most every matter: "SAVE YOUR MONEY." Right, dad. Save your money. I'm in debt to you $1300 and a credit card company SO much more than that, and you're talking to me about SAVE YOUR MONEY. Kiss my ass, dad.
At the same time the A/C in my room dies, the A/C in my truck decided to start pissing all over the interior. I was going to get lunch today, I turned the A/C on, and water started leaking onto the passenger's side floorboard at a pretty rapid pace. Before I got back to the office, the passenger's side floor was drenched. I dunno what the hell's going on with that, but I'll investigate when I get time.
All of this is coming off the heels of me having an illness in which my body temperature's all outta whack, and still is, so it's pretty important to me that I keep cool... which brings us to now. It's so hot in my room I can't sleep. And now, it's late enough that I could easily get up and stay up and go to work. So balls on it! I'm gonna go to a job I hate and I'm gonna fucking smile and grin and eat my shovelfull of shit and say PLEASE SIR CAN I HAVE ANOTHER?!
Today... yesterday... whatever it was... I was in a pretty good mood on the way to work. That was ruined when I arrived. Gonna skip specifics, because they don't really matter. Long and short of it, I walked into the office and heard the sister's boyfriend yelling. He was very angry. This is not uncommon. Except he was talking shit about me. I walked in so he could see me. He shut up. All talk stopped. He continued doing his business. No one said a word. I helped him with what he was doing -- not because I wanted to help him succeed, not because I like the bastard, but because I know he's such a moron that if he doesn't do get it right I'll have to go back and clean up his mess. If he's going to work in that office with me, I want him to get it right the first time so I don't have to clean up his shit. So I helped him this morning. And he left and he ran the call. And he got it wrong. He screwed up bigtime. He called me for support. I helped him, over the phone, for at least an hour. He wasn't easy to deal with, but I am a patient person. He is not. I heard him yelling at our customers. I would have fired him on the spot, but I can't do that. He's my sister's boyfriend. That could cause more problems than I can count. Eventually, all was well. He hung up the phone. No thank yous.
I don't mind that he dislikes me. I think it's about time he got the picture. I was tired of being invited on fishing and hunting trips. So it's cool that he doesn't like me. I can deal with that. It's like I said. I'm patient. I have learned to live with him. Living with him in my life is just one more sacrifice to be made.
What is NOT cool... is the overwhelming feeling I'm getting that he is replacing me. I've mentioned, several times in the past, that we've had a giant order coming from a fast food chicken restaurant. Well, we finally got it. 100-something stores. 400-someodd terminals. Big money. I went to school recently in anticipation of this big event. Guess what. I miss one day of work, Monday, the deal is made, sealed, and planned out.... and I'm nowhere in it. Joey's gonna do all the programming and installing with Karen. Gonna leave me at the office with my dick in my hand.
I own 50% of this business. I feel like I own nothing. I get paid shit -- I'm not sure if I've gotten a raise since I started working there. I'm underappreciated. Today, the old guy practically told me to my face that my time wasn't as valuable as my sister's. Didn't say so in so many words, but it was implied. Do I feel just a tad inferior to her, as far as this business goes? Oh yeah, I do. But I know it'd go straight into the shitcan without me, because she has no clue how to spend her money and she can't fix a god damn thing.
It's thoughts like that, alongside the regret of allowing this business to take such an important role in my life that I have forgotten what I actually want to do with my life, that make me wanna quit. I honestly have no idea what I want to do with my life anymore. There was a time, before I took this job, that I had a whole list of ideas that sounded good. Things that suited me. Now, I'm drained. I want to get away from this and go somewhere and get some goals. Get some fuckin dreams. Get a direction. Find my own way. And maybe send a huge FUCK YOU to my sister and her jackass boyfriend (and my dad for getting me into this in the first place) while I'm doing it.
I think I'm going to think on this for a week or so. I depend on that job for a lot. If I were to quit, I'd be giving up a lot of the stuff I need to live. On the other hand, if I got a better job, it might be replaced. Dependance. Jesus. I'm too dependent on other things, other people. Don't rely on myself enough. This disappoints me. Enough of this whining, let's whine about something else for a second.
My air conditioner is broken. I think the compressor has died. The thing works -- it moves air -- it just doesn't cool it. The heater works. But the air conditioner doesn't work at all. It's been threatening to do this for a while. This might not be a problem, since winter's coming up, but it's been unseasonably warm recently, which has left my room unbearably hot. It's hard to stay in this room, but it's even harder to leave it, because the parents are annoying. My dad's only advice in the matter? It's the same advice he gives me in most every matter: "SAVE YOUR MONEY." Right, dad. Save your money. I'm in debt to you $1300 and a credit card company SO much more than that, and you're talking to me about SAVE YOUR MONEY. Kiss my ass, dad.
At the same time the A/C in my room dies, the A/C in my truck decided to start pissing all over the interior. I was going to get lunch today, I turned the A/C on, and water started leaking onto the passenger's side floorboard at a pretty rapid pace. Before I got back to the office, the passenger's side floor was drenched. I dunno what the hell's going on with that, but I'll investigate when I get time.
All of this is coming off the heels of me having an illness in which my body temperature's all outta whack, and still is, so it's pretty important to me that I keep cool... which brings us to now. It's so hot in my room I can't sleep. And now, it's late enough that I could easily get up and stay up and go to work. So balls on it! I'm gonna go to a job I hate and I'm gonna fucking smile and grin and eat my shovelfull of shit and say PLEASE SIR CAN I HAVE ANOTHER?!
